Ask Dr. Gilda: Am I Too Big for Love? - MSN Relationships - article

More bounce per ounce......

LOL this made my day and I couldn't agree more!! I am 5'11" 201 lbs and it is not fat. I work hard to look the way I do and pride myself in this. Fat people have no pride, are disgusting and are LAZY. The fat people who act like they are proud of who they are, are crying inside and when they are alone.

It is not that hard to lose weight. All it takes is some dedication, a controlled diet and MOVE. Do something, anything.

Since you say your not fat how the hell do you know if the fat people are crying inside or when they are alone Dr. Phill, you have no clue as to how they feel inside no one has that power or knowledge, so get over yourself. I'm sure not just fat people don't like you either.

Peter, I don't know what the guidlines are now, but when I was growing up it was 180 at 6', so you're about 25 overweight yourself.....just saying!

Now I am very overweight, have gained an extra 60 that I didn't need when I quit smoking, but my partner of 24 years still sees the younger, blonder, prettier, thinner young woman he met......of course his eyesight isn't what it used to be either.....but if you could get past the physical, women like me would probably be the best thing you ever had......

Way to go KJ

Did you read the article? Dr. Gilda said one of her obese girlfriends had a more exciting sex life than she did. I know lots of heavy women who've had some pretty wild escapades.

I've been fat and I've been thin. Men have paid attention to me whether I was big or not. (Although, I do have to admit that men are nicer to me now that I'm thin than when I was fat, like somehow me being fat made it ok for them to be mean.) When I first met my husband I weighed about 50 pounds more than I do now, but that sure didn't put him off. In fact when I did lose a bunch of weight, he finally said he was missing a lot of me and didn't want me to lose any more.

I have loved all of your comments, Jane. Thanks for being one of the voices of reason here!

When I was in my early 20s, I was thin (anorexic, really) and got lots of male attention. More than I wanted, actually. By my late 20s I got over my eating disorder, but I was in grad school and had little time to exercise or eat properly and had put on a few pounds. But I decided that I would not lose the weight just to attract men (by the time I had time for that again). I figured if a guy didn't like me as a fat single, he wouldn't like me as a fat married lady either, especially once babies came along and it would become even harder to keep the weight off. So I was about 35 lbs. over when I got married and I married someone quite thin. In fact, he was thinner than I found attractive at the time and that was something I had to get over! But I did, thankfully, and we've been together for almost 14 years.

There would be a lot more happy men around if gave fat girls a chance. I'm not saying all fat girls are easy, but they might find them to be a lot more adventurous than the skinny girls standing next to them. Men who prefer fat women are almost never lack companionship!

Eating disorders and body dysmorphia are some of the horrible side effects of our obsession with weight, especially for women.

I actually find that men do give the big girls a chance. But its usually once they've reached a certain maturity level and they start to realize that the perfect hard body just doesn't last forever.

The human body also wasn't 'designed' to be sitting in front of a computer, driving a car, or shopping in supermarkets. We were meant to be hunter gatherers. But that's progress.

Very true Alex, obesity isn't always due to chemical or harmonal imbalances. I find that the majority of obese people are those with low esteem and low funds, unhealthy food is cheaper than healthy foods. I found that going on nutrisystem actually works and when you look at the money you spend on junk on top of what you spend on normal groceries, you actually save money by being on this diet plan.

Actually, the human body is designed to be fat, especially in women. It comes from the time when we were hunter-gatherers and food was sometimes scarce. Our bodies like to hold on to fat, anyone who has lost a lot of weight goes through plateaus that can last weeks and sometimes months where they continue to eat healthy and exercise, but they can't shed any weight.

And then, of course, our lifestyles are not really conducive to losing weight. When you're working 8 or 10 or 12 hours a day at a sedentary job, commute several miles to and from work, have a family and other responsibilities it takes a committment of time to exercise that many of us just don't have.

And then, of course, our lifestyles are not really conducive to losing weight. When you're working 8 or 10 or 12 hours a day at a sedentary job, commute several miles to and from work, have a family and other responsibilities it takes a committment of time to exercise that many of us just don't have.

I don't know about that. I lost 75 pounds last year on my Walk an Hour a Day and Stop Eating So Damn Much Plan, and have kept it off since. lol ;)

That's a great plan! But some people don't even have an hour. I lost about 75 lbs myself almost 12 years ago, but I had to do about an hour and a half to 2 hours of cardio/weight training every day 5 days a week to do it. That was on top of my regular full time job and my part time job as well as having a family. Eventually I worked out a way to get a job at a gym so now working out is my job!

What a guy!

Wow. Why so down on yourself? Don't make excuses for him because he doesn't touch you. When you love someone you love them entirely, and sex is to make 'each other' feel good. If he's not making an effort to please you, there's issues in the marriage. He's just not telling you what they are, and you're blaming yourself rather than facing reality. Looking good is no guarantee that you're a nice person. Some of the most beautiful women I've ever met are just plain bit***s. Part of what you said about yourself is just as true about men. 'Because I love him so much, if he went bald and fat all over, I'd still love him and desire him as much as I do now'. When a man truly loves you he doesn't compare you to perfection, because to him you are perfect. You need to stop beating yourself up about it, and if you aren't happy with your body, change it. But I can tell you now, you won't be a better person then. A little more confident and happier with yourself is all. And you don't need to be thin to get that.

Read my response #8 above. Good luck to you, and stop hating yourself.

Go on Nutrisystem, I've lost 30 pounds in 14 weeks and I am a horrible dieter. Plus if your man doens't like giving you what you need physically, then you need a new man.

I agree with stop hating yourself. You have to find balance in your life to be happy. Don't base happiness off of one thing. Like in investing, you need to diversify.

That being said, unless you are on life support or paralyzed, you have the ability to change things. Be glad you're not balding, that's something that you cannot change.

Smoopy, I've got a diet plan that will let you lose 200 + pounds of unwanted weight! Its called a DIVORCE. Dump that guy.

I'm 5'6" and 176 lbs. I know I'm overweight. In fact, I see myself as morbidly obese, but my dr says that's not at all the case......yeah, I know, nice dr.

Morbid obesity requires that you be 100 pounds over weight. You're simply fat. You should be happy about that!

I'm sorry, K Teacher, I'm sure you're a well-meaning and very nice person, but take off the rose colored glasses and pray to God that you never get the ability to read your husband's mind! He sounds like a very sweet person keeping all that to himself.

Smoopy, I'm sure you mean well, but your comment is just bitter. To me he sounds like a sweet man that truly loves his wife, and is very happy. Believe it or not there are people like that. Your husband does not appear to be one of them. Too bad.

Darthfrodo, I don't mean to sound bitter. My husband's very good to me in every other arena. He actually spoils me rotten. It's just that I'm fully aware of the reality of the differences between men and women. Does that apply 100 percent. No. But there are very darn few men who can truly claim to love fully, unconditionally and completely. I've only met one my entire life and that was one of my uncles and his love for my aunt. That's just the way it is in reality. That's just the way a man is engineered. I used to wear rose-colored glasses myself. I lost them when I hit middle-age. Sometimes, I wish I could find them because people take the reality checks as insults and they're not meant to be.

No, I am sorry, Smoopy. You don't know me nor my situation. Don't judge. Just because you are superficial doesn't mean that my man is. I am a beautiful woman. I didn't say I weigh 300 pounds and am ugly. Wow! Get over yourself. And you might need a little reality check. I work-out 4 days a week. I am recovering from a severe back injury. I am a confident woman who loves herself, her man, and her two beautiful children and is loved by them in return. Next time my husband needs a psychiatric evaluation, I will give you a call. Wow! Some nerve. Seems like there is always someone trying to feel better about themselves by putting others down. Whatever gets you through the night, honey.

Smoopy - I am sorry that you have yet to find a man to love you for who you are, but there are many men out there who love their women truly and fully. Obviously K Teacher has found one. I have found one, when my husband and I met I was a size six, 13 years and two kids later I am now between a 12 and 14 and my husband still loves me as much as the day we were married. I know a quite a few other women who are married to men that would move heaven and earth to make them happy and none of the women are petite. Granted none of them are morbidly obese, but they are not thin either. Just because you are married to a miserable man doesn't mean all men are like that.

Wow K Teacher, typical. I did not attack you or "judge" you. But you certainly did both of those things to me. That's ok. Most of the responders to this article are proving my point.

I am going to have to agree with Smoopy based on what I see EVERY SINGLE DAY at the gym. I have been a personal trainer for a very long time, and there is one constant theme that any trainer will tell you . . . recently divorced or single women WILL lose weight. I see it every day. A new client comes in, tells me that she just got divorced, and is looking to lose the weight she put on during the marriage. Naturally I help them, and sure enough, the weight comes off.

However, this also leaves me wondering: Why did they put on the weight in the first place? They are at the gym, getting a trainer, so obviously they know that men are visual creatures. So why, with the man they "loved", would they let themselves go? Do they think that male biology changes, and they are no longer visual, once a metal ring is placed on their finger?

I view it as a respect thing. It seems that they have more respect for strangers (men they have not met when they are single), so they try too look their best for them. But they have less respect for their husbands, so they let themselves go and place the burden on their husband to "love them as they are". They are literally more concerned about looking good for complete strangers than looking good for their husbands. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

BTW, my fiance completely agrees with me. In fact she recently showed me an article about Heidi Klum and Seal's marriage, and how they are still in love after all these years. In the article, Heidi said that the secret is staying "hot" for her man. She said that she respects him, and loves him enough to continue looking hot for him. My fiance pointed to this part of the article and said, "See, that's the way it is supposed to be. If you love him, you should stay hot for him, not 'let yourself go'."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME, SMOOPY? READ WHAT YOU WROTE!!! "take off the rose colored glasses and pray to God that you never get the ability to read your husband's mind! He sounds like a very sweet person keeping all that to himself." Now, because I have a few pounds to lose, my husband is disgusted by me?You could not be further from the truth. He loves me. What do marriage vows mean anymore? For BETTER for WORSE. SICKNESS and HEALTH. This is why 1/2 of America is divorced. Wake up people!!!

My husband was shot twice in a robbery in 2001. He was trying to fight off an armed intruder at the location he managed. After his numerous surgeries, he had to wear a colostomy bag. I had to change that and the gauze from his chest two times a day. THAT is love. You really think that a few extra pounds would make him sick after what we have been through? You are NUTS!!

And, Mr. Personal Trainer, you and your Cali ideas would never fit at my gym. My trainer is encouraging me to slowly get back to where I need to be. I work out HARD. I am not lazy! Some people can not get the point that making blanket statements about people is just pure ignorance. You are barking up the wrong tree with this one. I am not single nor divorced and I work out for ME and no one else.

I guess common sense and courtesy are not prerequisites for having internet access.Anyway, I am gone and will be silent on this matter now. Free your mind and the rest will follow!

Such is the last statement by a person who clearly has no grip on reality and can't handle when others do.

C'est la vie

Wow, someone is angry. If you read my post you will see I was NOT referring to you, but instead talking about a trend in the fitness world. Now you may call this "trend" a blanket statement based on ignorance, but you would be mistaken. It is a FACT that obesity is a growing problem in this country. So much, in fact, that the first lady is taking action.

It is also a FACT that, statistically speaking, people gain weight after marriage. Did you know that more and more prenuptial agreements contain clauses regarding weight gain? This marital problem is so pervasive that it is actually making it's way into the courts.

That being said, I never once called you lazy. And I applaud your efforts to work our for yourself. That is the way it should be. But you are blind if you think the majority of women follow your example.

Smoopy, I'm sorry you can't see how right K Teacher is. The problem isn't your weight, it's how you think about it.

He sounds like a very sweet person keeping all that to himself.

Maybe I misread it, but that does sound suspiciously like a shot at her husband.

And, any man that wouldn't want you with a few extra pounds isn't worth the trouble anyway.

This gets misinterpretted by a lot of people. It's even a euphenism now. However, there is a difference between being 150#, 200#, 300#, and 500#.

There a story recently about a woman who is more than 600 lbs and she wants to go for the record of fattest woman in the world and she had a really skinny boyfriend.

I read about that Jane. I always tell my kids it's good to have goals.........but........????

I'm definitely NOT advocating for that kind of goal. I was just trying to point out that there is always someone who will want somebody else, regardless of their body.

Laughing. No no no Jane, I wasn't implying that you were. Sorry. What I meant was that that woman has a goal to become the fattest in the world. Although lofty, it's a horrendous goal. And yes you are correct, she does have a skinny boyfriend that still wants her. :0)

You have to wonder what other people see, through their eyes, because our perceptions are all different. Anorexic women look at themselves and they see fat, even if they only weigh 88 lbs. Many women who lose a lot of weight (myself included) look at themselves and still see themselves in a negative way, focusing on how their stomach isn't perfectly flat, or their butt is too big or that they can't get the toned look in their arms. And yet there are people who see this and don't find it unattractive.

My husband certainly doesn't act as if my 'flaws' bother him, he behaves just the opposite. After all this time, I just don't think he's faking it. If he'd wanted to he could have got a slimmer woman a long time ago, but he tells me that he finds me to be very beautiful and sexy. And really, he's not a good liar, so I believe him.

Anthony R, this short sentence from you in that whole p.c. speech confirmed what I've been trying to get across:

I'm being up front. If my wife was morbidly obese, I probably would not have dated her. 60 pounds overweight I can deal with but ladies, there's no reason to be morbidly obese. What is the benefit of that?

And gentlemen, there's no need for YOU to be morbidly obese as well! There's no benefit in that as well :) The stick can point both ways...

Very Well put

The stick does point both ways but the fact remains at least in the USA more and more women are grossly overweight. Its sad really.

Hello, 60% of Americans are overweight or obese. That includes men. If there are more and more women who are overweight, then its true for men as well. Women have metabolism, childbearing and hormones which contribute to the problem. Men don't have those issues.

Men don't have those issues.

No.............They just have women.

Women have metabolism, childbearing and hormones which contribute to the problem. Men don't have those issues.

Men have problem with metabolism and sometimes hormones as they age. It's not all peachy if you're an aging man.

Slowing metabolism as we age happens to everyone. But it is harder for women because of fluctuating hormone levels after age 35 and childbearing really does a number on our abdomens, no doubt about it. It doesn't help the guys when they like to have a beer or two or six after dinner.

Of course there are exceptions. Kate Gosslin is looking pretty good these days.

Kate Gosselin has a personal trainer, nannies to watch her children, freeing up her time to work out, and had a tummy tuck. Given those same circumstances any woman could look like that after having children.

Kate Gosselin is not an exception. Her abs were WRECKED after she had those 6 babies. Don't you remember when she showed her stomach on one of the early shows? She got her tummy back through surgery, not diet and exercise. After that happens to your body, you need some serious genetics to help you back into shape, and most people just don't have it.

Don't like it, get the f--k out and don't let the door hit you in the back side on the way out.

Applying the same "logic," then I guess you're ignorant because you want to be stupid, dave3226. I mean, you do realize that MSN doesn't own the internet, don't you?

Dave - if you don't like the article don't read it, not everything on the internet or even in the news has to be about war, famine and pestilence. Many people also enjoy reading things that are on the lighter side.

As for this being a bad article, I think it is a great article, it looks at life from a practical side, not telling some girl she needs to lose weight to be accepted, but rather that she needs to accept herself before others will accept her.

dave, fat can be lost, stupid is forever.....

Dave.....Dave....Dave. Why the hate on MSN? Do like most people do when they don't like something. Avoid that thing. You'll feel better.

Well said. The real question is: what are you REALLY after? Is it JUST love? Because as long as you're a good person, I believe that anyone can find love. But passion, lust, desire, these are the under the control of our libido. And while true love can be blind, our libido rarely is. It's not fair, and I wish it were otherwise. I have often felt the world would be a lot easier if just having fun and enjoying a person's company could make us grow attracted to them. I can tell you that there would be a hell of a lot of awkward, acne-ridden teenagers who would be happier. But sadly, that's just not the way it works. We can't help who we're attracted to.

So yes, if youre goal is to get a man to inspire desire in men, your best bet is to find a good nutrition plan (like FOTRL said, make sure the emphasis is on BALANCE, as opposed to low cabr/low fat/focus on one particular food or food group), and start weight training (I know, I know, cardio burns more calories while you're doing it. But weight training increases your calorie burn for the next two days while your body repairs the muscles you worked. Not to mention every pound of muscle you have burns 50 calories a day just by existing!).

Very thoughtful and honest post Fotrl. I think we all want the whole package. We want love, lust, passion, commitment, loyalty. But sometimes I think many of those things are what exist in our fantasies and not necessarily what can really exist in reality. Some people can become physically attracted to others because of traits that are not at all physical. And our ideas of what we find attractive or sexy can also change over the years. We have to be open to that.

But I have to say again, that the problem isn't weight so much as how we think about it. Even back in the days when I weighed a lot more than I do now, I wasn't hurting for boyfriends.

but I can assure her it's not her weight. Yes, *some men* do not like bigger girls.

News fact for you....MOST guys do NOT like bigger girls. Let me repeat MOST guys do not like bigger girls. I'm a guy and talked thousands of other guys ....dont fool yourself. You got it all reversed only SOME guys like bigger girls....a very small percentage.

You said it yourself....why do so many women go on a diet to lose weight before their wedding???

Curvy women are fine...but many women like to "expand" the definition of Curvy to also include those that are fat and obese. You women butchered what curvy means. The same way women butchered BBW....

Peeon - most women go on a diet to lose weight before their wedding because they're insanely concerned about how those wedding pictures are going to look - not to hook a guy -newsflash, they've already done that.

annie ... but if big is beautiful why lose any weight at all? For the pictures?? Amers was saying maybe the issue isnt the weight but her personality...so in that line of thought why lose weight if being fat is good ?

Peeon,

So if MOST men don't like bigger women, why are so many bigger women married or in relationships? Besides, how shallow are men when they are talking to other men? Do you really think your buddies will admit to each other about liking a girl with meat on her bones if they think it will get them made fun of? Actions speak louder than words, so men who are dating bigger girls speaks louder than guys that say they don't like bigger girls.

And no, I did not go on a "diet" to lose weight for my wedding. I started eating better and being more active two years ago, and I have only been engaged for 6 months. I wanted to be healthier and be happier with myself, not solely to please what others saw.

Amers - good for you dieting to be healthier! That's the reason to do it :-)

Peeon - Why lose weight for wedding pictures? Because a lot of women become obsessed with everything being perfect for their weddings. My 5'4" 110lb best friend lost weight before her wedding even though we all told her it wasn't a good idea - but she was obsessed with the idea of having everything, including her body be perfect.

Amers ...

Why are so many bigger women married or in relationships?

Two reasons: One is when most people get married they are younger and most are not obese. (Plus the women always tend to lose weight just before their wedding( [pictures]. As time goes by those women just get heavier so naturally they get bigger, sure thy blame it on child bearing, no time, second job etc ...

Two .... Well if the majority of the female population is overweight or obese to start with then well that just sucks for the men....but men dont want to start off with a fat woman . Basically there isnt much to pick from is what I'm getting at.

Besides, how shallow are men when they are talking to other men? Do you really think your buddies will admit to each other about liking a girl with meat on her bones if they think it will get them made fun of?

You are preaching to the choir .... Men are VERY shallow when talking about women to other men. Are you kidding me? But you know...I know many women that shallow as well. Especially the younger ones that can pick and chose at will. And have it all wrong too....its not a matter of admitting ...it really is a fact that most guys do not like fat women. I even know SOME guys that say they like fat women...so what...to each his own....but again extra weight & obesity is not attractive to most men.

As time goes by those women just get heavier so naturally they get bigger, sure thy blame it on child bearing, no time, second job etc ...

The exact same thing happens to men.....

Ya but the fact is it is mostly the women who tend to tip the scales later in life.

How do you deny all these diets made for women...for women.

Spanks.....are not worn by men.

How many poster childs do we have that are women for weight watchers.... Jenny Craig..

I'm not trying to be mean...although i know i am but dont tell me most guys like overweight women...they dont.

1-Because guys don't obsess about it as much

2-society/movies/tv/cartoons-can have overweight dads with thin moms, but you rarely see it the other way.....just look at the portrayal of family life in the Simpsons, Family Guy.....just saying

News fact for you....MOST guys do NOT like bigger girls. Let me repeat MOST guys do not like bigger girls. I'm a guy and talked thousands of other guys ....dont fool yourself. You got it all reversed only SOME guys like bigger girls....a very small percentage.

I'd really like to see some type of study on this because I just don't think its true. Maybe its true for you Peeon, but I don't think you can make this statement across the board.

Ya but the fact is it is mostly the women who tend to tip the scales later in life.

How do you deny all these diets made for women...for women.

Spanks.....are not worn by men.

How many poster childs do we have that are women for weight watchers.... Jenny Craig..

Again, I don't think this is true. This report came out of the UK in 2007 and says women are only slightly more likely to be overweight than men 24% vs. 23%. I'm looking for some stats for the US.

Women are the target for these types of commercials because our culture is so biased against women when it comes to weight.

And there are more and more men doing weight loss commercials these days.

Ah a challenge. Thanks Jane. You could prove me wrong or you could serve as proof that women do NOT get men.

News fact for you....MOST guys do NOT like bigger girls. Let me repeat MOST guys do not like bigger girls. I'm a guy and talked thousands of other guys ....dont fool yourself. You got it all reversed only SOME guys like bigger girls....a very small percentage.

I'd really like to see some type of study on this because I just don't think its true. Maybe its true for you Peeon, but I don't think you can make this statement across the board.

I'm not sure how to spell this one out and not be insulting to any women (especially you Jane) I am so confident about my statement that "MOST guys do NOT like bigger girls" that I am willing to bet on it.

Sure, guys love all kinds of women. But a good majority tend to drift towards a visually appealing figure. That could be skinny, regular, flat chested, big breasted, big hips, big ass, her face, eyes, hair, legs... Men are sensitive to shape and a shape that does not define a women in even a compromising way is not attractive. So many men find large curvy women attractive, chest larger than her waist her hips match her waist.... But not her gut overhangs her cooch. Or her ass is beyond recognition. Sure she can have a beautiful personality but for most men she needs to create the passion a man needs, one of those needs is somewhat visual but also emotional....He needs to know she wants him.

I digress.

True we have some chubby men here. But to be honest even some big men fit the part of a man . Whereas a women although an equal, has smaller features, muscles and overall physical presence, for her to be larger than the next guy is somewhat disturbing to men. How can "she" be delicate? soft?

Sure, you can state 'most' men don't want big women. Just as you can say that 'most' women don't want men with a gut, they want a tall athletic handsome type. That's a no brainer. Men traditionally want a woman smaller than them, and women want a man larger than them. A majority of BOTH sexes can be said to want a certain 'attractive' type. But there are only a certain number of them to go around. Nature has variances in what everyone likes. If everyone liked only blondes, then all other hair colors would die out. Then if a disease came out that killed all blondes, WE'D die out (it's the same reason everybody doesn't find broccoli tasty. If it suddenly killed us, some of us would survive). But the article was about love. Looks can only get you in the door, it's personality that gives you love. Yes some people won't give a chance to those that don't fit their physical ideal. But that's lust, not love. There is a difference. Some people just won't allow themselves to feel one without the other.

Peeon, you're talking about two different things. I had a feeling you were.

But a good majority tend to drift towards a visually appealing figure.

What you're talking about is what we find visually appealing. This is true for both sexes. Do you really think a woman prefers a big overweight, sloppy looking guy over a tall, tight, buff young guy with a tan? Of course we prefer the thin, beautiful, hard bodies because that's what we've been conditioned to appreciate in our culture. When we fantasize its not about the short, dumpy guy with the greasy hair pumping gas at the next kiosk, its the really hot waiter that smiles and winks when he brings us sodas at lunch time. That has changed significantly depending on the times we lived in. There have always been certain traits which were considered beautiful or more desirable. You prove it with your last sentence:

How can "she" be delicate? soft?

She's only delicate and soft if you perceive her to be that way based on your expectations and conditioning.

Sexual and physical attraction, on the other hand is far more complicated than just what we see with our eyes. It is wrapped up in our experiences, our perceptions and conditioning, our emotions and responses. Its triggered by smells and memories, sensations and sounds, previous experiences and wishful thinking. You think I'm fooling myself, but as shallow as I think men can be sometimes, I actually think you're doing an injustice to most men by suggesting that most of them are so shallow that they can't be swayed to passion by a real life woman who makes them feel like a real life man.

I know. I've been there. ;-)

How do you deny all these diets made for women...for women.

Spanks.....are not worn by men.

How many poster childs do we have that are women for weight watchers.... Jenny Craig..

There are two reasons for this; 1. women are more concerned about their weight than men, but realistically, most women are more concerned about how other women view them, not how men view them; and 2. it is much easier for a man to lose weight than a woman because female bodies are predisposed to higher body fat:

Essential fat
Women - 10-13%
Men - 1-3%

Athletes
Women - 14–20%
Men - 6-13%

Fitness
Women - 21–24%
Men - 14–17%

Average
Women - 25–31%
Men - 18–30%

Obese
Women - 32%+

Men - 31%+

This means that a woman body will not properly function with a body fat percentage lower than 14% while a man's body needs only 1-3% body fat. Without this higher body fat percentage women's bodies stop working correctly, e.g. their periods stop, their hormones end up all out of wack. This is why female gymnasts and swimmers have such small breasts and are so petite, because their body fat percentage is too low, resulting in postponed puberty.

Thyroid issues are tough. A very good female friend of mine went through something similar; gained something like 80 lbs in a few months, and had no idea why since she barely ate. Once she got it diagnosed and got on the right medication, though, the weight came off pretty quick. Good luck.

I am now engaged to a tall, handsome, muscular, intelligent man who loves me and calls me beautiful every day

So basically you down men for being superficial but, then brag about the superficial qualities of the guy you bagged.

would at least have a conversation with me

I really wish you could see this from a mans perspective. Men are much nicer to girls then you think. We generally show respect for people, minus the true low-lifes. Maybe it's because I live in the south west but, women here are EXTREMELY shallow. I once had a girl tell me, 'why would I talk to a guy if I'm not going to have sex with him'. These girls are account for most of the non overweight ladies in the area.(And a few of the overweight as well.)

I think the most important thing to remember here is that looks aren't the stopping point for a lot of people. Like I said, most people will at least have a conversation with you, if for no reason other than just common courtesy. If you are personable and outgoing, you'll eventually find the one who wants to go further than just a conversation.

Amen.

Martha and Smoopy - both of you sound like you need to stop basing your own self-worth on what other people think of you.

All I'm reading in the comments you post is how much hatred you have for yourself. I've watched my mother battle with herself and her weight issues for my entire life - and thank god I've had that bad example. If I hadn't seen how her own issues with her weight have affected every aspect of her life (from how she treats me to how she makes friends, to even being afraid of leaving the house because she's afraid of how people will look at her) I probably would be in the same, awful boat you're both sitting in. If you hate yourself this much, you have no room to love anyone (as is also evidenced by your posts) and no one will be able to love you.

Martha, I suggest you take a real close look at what your profile says, and see how much talk in those online dating profiles suggests that you hate yourself. I too used to have an online dating profile and I posted real pictures of myself and got a lot of feedback, so you're just doing something wrong.

Smoopy -, you sound like your husband is a complete jerk and I would stop "assisting" him until he does the same for you, and I'd walk out the door if that doesn't work. Men use sex as a weapon in a much more subtlely manipulative way than women do. A man who forces you to help him with his needs and gives you a guilt trip about it if you don't is disgusting, and all the spoiling he does of you to "make up for it" is just his way of making you a prostitute.

There are winners and losers in life, no matter what the body-type. If you think and act like a winner (aka love yourself), you'll be one. If you think and act like a loser (aka, hate yourself), you'll be one.

Oh Annie, Annie, Annie.....to some extent you're right, but the reality is still there. Go ahead - you and K Teacher go out there and do an extensive survey with men only and see what happens. I promise you, you won't appreciate the results. Does that make it ok? Absolutely not! In a perfect world, you and K Teacher hit the nail right on the head. BUT, we don't live and never will live in a perfect world, thus the reality.

You're misunderstanding me. I understand that a lot of men out there will only look at a woman's appearance. However, there are a hell of a lot of men out there who don't care about any of it.

Unfortunately we live in a society where so much focus is put on image that it does two things:

1 - makes people think that if they don't fit into the "perfect" image, they might as well not try becuase they're not worth anyone's time anyway becuase they don't fit into that perfect image.

2 - makes people think that's all there is to look for

Furthermore, I am sorry that your life choices have lead to you leading such a miserable, hateful existence that you feel so strongly that NO man can love a woman who is overweight. I typically try to stay away from making such blanket claims, just as I would never say that every skinny person is happy and madly in love.

I wish you the best in your life and hope that your marital problems begin to work themselves out. Everyone is capable of being happy, if you only work for it. My exboyfriend used to act like you, thought the world was against him and all that, but he's gotten his life on the right track, has started making happiness for himself, I hope that you're someday able to do the same.

Easy on the balding comment there Martha. It can start as early as the onset of puberty. You try being pre 30 and losing all of your hair. There is no diet for hair loss. Thanks to people like you as a child grew up he had horrible anxiety over it and became desperate and saved for a hair transplant in his twenties. Now with poor results he goes around with a jagged 14 inch scar on the back of his buzzed head.

Rejoice that you at least have hope to change.

I've been holding out for a man that can get past my weight issues, as you suggest, not because I don't want to lose weight, but since it's been an issue for me since I was 12 and there has not been a day since then that I haven't been on a diet, I can't promise it won't continue to be an issue. The websites are my best option. I work in a place with a small staff, clients that are mostly 60+++.

That sucks. It sucks for guys too when you work at a sausage fest.

My spare time is spent with my children,

Atleast 1 guy seemed interested at the time.

at sports events and doing homework, cooking, cleaning and various errands. I don't do clubs (soooo faux finish). About two dozen guys look at my profiles every week and not a one communicates with me. Ever... in the two years I've had profiles.

Did you ever initiate contact?

And... sorry honey, but being too thin is not a problem, just ask Wallis Simpson or Gloria Vanderbilt or Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry or Heidi Klum or Elin Nordegren or Penelope Cruz or Lucy Lui or...

They aren't walking corpses.

There is one caveat - maybe there are a few (a small few) "good" men left for whom character is more important than beauty or wealth - I still believe - but I'm pretty sure most of the good ones are taken.

You assume that the available men see a good character in you.

I've seen many profiles of women searching for dates on craigslist. There hasn't been a single one where I thought "damn, I'd like to meet her" after reading her ad. Something to think about.

I'm pretty sure Elin Nordegren's thinness isn't really helping her out right now.

It's amazing how people's experiences can be so different. I was really heavy for most of my younger life, only really got healthy and fit and down to my current weight about 12 years ago. But my experience before that was just so different from Martha's or Smoopy's . I didn't have trouble getting dates, men didn't seem to be put off by my weight, they may have preferred the skinny girls, but they didn't act like they were missing out on anything being with me. I met and started dating my husband when I was a good 50 pounds heavier than I am now, but he sure did seem to like me A LOT! And he was no dumpy guy (kinda' looks like Richard Gere).

Even now, I'm not rail thin, I'm 5'8" and 140lbs. I have curves, I have a tummy paunch (babies do that, y'know) , after losing a lot of weight I have some stretched out skin that will never be smooth and tight without a good cosmetic surgeon (damn underarm flaps). But at 40 years old, I'm in the best shape and fitness that I've ever been in my life, I'm strong and healthy and have stamina, I dress in ways that are flattering to my body, and the men are still hitting on me, even though there are plenty of skinny little tight girls working out at the gym where I work.

Real men like real women. Get off the dating sites. After two years, its obviously not working. That may be the problem right there. Go meet some real men.